Finally Me September 15, 2008
Posted by Michele in Miscellaneous Musings, My Life As A Writer.add a comment
For the first time in my life, at the age of 35, I feel like the real Me. I’m finally starting to feel comfortable in my body, despite the fact that I’m 40 pounds heavier than I was in my 20s. Even with the flaws and imperfections that come with age, I feel like I’m fully inhabiting my body for the first time. Looking back it seems like such a waste that I didn’t really allow myself to enjoy this body when it was younger and healthier and its knees didn’t creek when it stood. But that’s all irrelevant now. Now what matters is where I am today, and it’s not a bad place to be.
Part of me finds it quite funny that I finally feel like myself when, for the first time I can’t really define myself by what I do. In fact, if you asked me right now, what do you “do,” I’d be hard pressed to find an answer. To “make a living” I write and I edit and I manage projects and do mundane office work in a concrete building three days a week. To “make a life” I teach and I take classes and I spend time with my son and husband and I laugh with my friends and I drink wine and take long walks on the beach. And, yes, I write.
I’ve always written, but I’ve never really felt comfortable referring to myself as a writer. Maybe that’s because, until recently, I hadn’t been published in so many years – since I left college, before I was afraid to take chances. I was afraid of many things for many years, but not anymore. Somehow all of the time I’ve spent loving my soul and saying no to the things that didn’t serve it have made me braver, more willing to take chances. I’m not sure how this happened. It was a slow, almost imperceptible process at times. But little by little I did things that surprised even me and one step at a time this freed me to be more myself. I quit jobs I hated on a whim, left lucrative careers and streams of income behind without regret, started and abandoned viable business ventures, even cut my hair, which was maybe the biggest risk of all (by the way, my has never been so fabulous!).
So now I feel like I’m ready for something else, something bigger than the life I lived before. I want to pull out my passport and run – not away from anything, but to something that will add to what I already have. I actually like my life. In fact, I love my life, not because it’s perfect, but because it’s my creation. Even my problems are uniquely my own, which means that I must surely hold the solutions to them within my soul. It’s a messy journey, but one I’m finally starting to enjoy. I’m no longer willing to put my life or my happiness on hold. Life doesn’t start when you lose 20 pounds, or find a better job or move into a bigger house. Life happening now, so don’t miss it – live it! Often I wonder where this messy journey will lead me, but for the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to finding out.
A Writer’s Initiation January 27, 2008
Posted by Michele in My Life As A Writer.add a comment
Sick and in bed again today. I’ve finally reached my 30 day mark with this blog and I’d hoped to celebrate with a really fabulous entry recapping the journey. But my head feels like it’s going to explode and I just don’t have much in me.
What I will say is that this past month has been amazing in terms of developing my voice and discipline as a writer. There were days I didn’t feel like writing, but I did. There were days that I really struggled to get the words on the page, but I did. And whatever you may think about what I’ve written here, I’m proud of myself.
For me, the hardest part was putting myself out there for public consumption. I’ve always written, but until now my writing has been very, very personal. And it was difficult to invite others into this private world. In many ways I feel naked, exposed and vulnerable. But I also feel very brave.
Despite my desire to play it safe, I didn’t censor myself here. My words are honest and, at times, raw and biting – just like me. Thank you for sharing this journey with me, for allowing me to open up my world and expand it. Thank you for being part of what I consider my writer’s initiation.
Can Anybody Hear This? January 7, 2008
Posted by Michele in My Life As A Writer.1 comment so far
As a writer, I’m trying to find my voice. Should be easy, huh? I mean, I use it every day when I’m talking to my girlfriends, my husband, my son. But sometimes getting it down on paper can be a challenge.
In real life, my voice is funny and witty – a little dry with a splash of sarcasm. Like a “word martini.” But on the page I can sometimes sound…well…a little bitter. I’m not really bitter – okay maybe just a wee bit. But hey, seven years in corporate America can do that to a girl. Between the jackass bosses, bureaucratic red tap and office politics, it can make you outright mean if you let it. And, for a while I let it.
But being out of the mix for a few months has given me new perspective. So now here I am, trying to carve out a space for myself as a writer. No longer held back by the painful limits of an office with no window, my world has expanded. But in such a big world, how is one tiny voice ever heard?
