Good News… Bad News January 22, 2008
Posted by Michele in Career Trials and Triumphs.add a comment
Good news – I got a big job from a client and I’m busy as sin (and let me tell ya sisters, sin is as busy as hell). Bad news – I’m not used to working so damn much anymore. I know, I know, poor me, right? But really, since leaving (read as being fired) from my last job, I’ve managed to make time every week for a variety of activities that I haven’t had the opportunity to enjoy for nearly seven years.
Since becoming self-employed, I’ve had time to… go to the beach, meditate, read cards, take bubble baths, catch up on daytime TV, and even take the occasional afternoon nap. It’s been blissful. But now I’m working on a big project and, although I’m thrilled to have the work, it’s really is cutting into my “Me” time.
Don’t’ get me wrong, I’m not complaining. Okay, I’m complaining, but I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I’m enjoying working on a challenging project with people I respect (at least most of them) and I love it (at least most of it). Still, I can’t help but wonder what’s going in Days of Our Lives – is Lucas out of jail, is John really dead? I may never know. But at least I’m getting paid. After all, life is about compromise.
Just Let the Tears Roll January 8, 2008
Posted by Michele in Career Trials and Triumphs, Living In This Body.3 comments
I’m not in a good mood today. I’m not exactly sure why, but I even cried a little. Maybe it’s my impending birthday that has me feeling somewhat melancholy. Then again, maybe it’s just PMS.
I hate to use that as an excuse, but for the past few months I’ve had mini-PMS-mental breakdowns around this time. A few months ago I even broke into tears in a co-worker’s office. As uncomfortable as it was for me, said co-worker – we’ll call her “Oh my God is this freak really crying in my office” – looked completely appalled by the outburst.
To her credit, she tried to play it off by offering me a Kleenex and asking me, in the most half-hearted manner she could muster, if I wanted to talk about it. Oh, the great sense of relief on her face when I accepted the Kleenex and declined the pep talk!
At first I was embarrassed by my inability to hold my tears. But when I realized just how weirded out she was by my little crying jag, I have to admit I was amused. I realize that this probably makes me more heartless than she is, but I can’t help it. Her extreme discomfort somehow just made the tears seem okay.
Frustration Corporation January 2, 2008
Posted by Michele in Career Trials and Triumphs.2 comments
I’m frustrated today. No particular reason really, just frustrated. I felt okay when I woke up – my hair was great, I wore my favorite red shoes – but somewhere in the middle, the day took a downward turn and I followed it.
I found myself caught up in a series of mini-dramas at my quasi-job. As a freelance contractor I’m only in the office two or three days a week, and I really try to live on the fringe of their interoffice reality. But some days I get sucked in, despite my valiant attempts at aloof detachment.
Typically, I try to avoid water cooler gossip and interdepartmental feuds. I’m pleasant, but I duck out of office parties and keep conversation with most staff as brief and superficial as possible. It’s not that they’re not lovely people, I’m sure they are. I’m just not interested in becoming emotionally invested in them right now.
To tell you the truth, I kind of like being on the fringe. It’s quiet and leaves me with enough emotional energy at the end of the day for the things that are important to me – my family, my writing, my health – you know, the big stuff. But lately I’ve been slipping into their reality bit by bit. Lately, I’ve been giving more and more of my energy to things that I don’t want to be defined by.
I think it’s time to get some perspective on this situation. When I left my full-time gig in corporate hell, I realized how easy it was to become part of the problem. That’s not who I am now and it’s not who I want to become. I want to be part of a solution.
The Reflecting Path December 31, 2007
Posted by Michele in Career Trials and Triumphs, Feeding Your Spirit.add a comment
The culmination of last year’s un-kept resolutions and the rapid approach of my 35th birthday have me feeling a bit introspective. I’m one of those rare souls who simply love change. I welcome the unexpected synchronicities in life, even the bittersweet ones, that have a way of placing us back on our path when we stray.
But 07 was a year of big change. It was the year I escaped (got fired from, mince words if you must) corporate America. The suffocating stench of bad office politics has finally lifted, and for the first time in seven years I can breathe. For the first time in a long time I’m excited about my life … and a little scared.
The funny thing is that I’m not afraid of being scared. Since I’ve never done anything great in my life without being scared, I guess it’s a good sign. The day I gave birth to my son, the day I married my husband, the day I went back to college to finish my degree – I was scared every time.
Now I stand on the verge of a new path. No longer at a crossroad, I’ve made my decision and there’s no turning back now. Reflecting on the path I’ve taken to get here I’m feeling at once strong and very, very vulnerable.
What Next? December 28, 2007
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What next? I don’t know, but I’m taking suggestions – seriously.
2007’s been full of crazy changes and challenges. I never, ever would have imagined that I’d be fired (gasp) from a job, or that I’d be so damn happy about it for that matter. What an amazing dichotomy of emotions it’s been for me – from personal triumph to perceived professional failure. In the end it was the best promotion I ever got.
Honestly, I don’t know what I’ll do next, but I can’t wait to find out. Wherever my path leads me there are two things I know for sure – I’ll be in good company (ladies) and I’ll be wearing great shoes.
Lose the Girdle December 27, 2007
Posted by Michele in Career Trials and Triumphs, Feeding Your Spirit.add a comment
Sitting here now, I feel very much alone. It’s odd that I should feel that way, really. I can’t say I’m lonely, because that would be inaccurate, but I sit here now alone with my destiny. All my life I’ve known that I’m meant to be a writer and a teacher, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve started to disbelief. I’ve started to think that the worst of all possible fates could be upon me. I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I’m ordinary. Maybe, I’m just like everyone else, destined to work a miserable 9 to 5 job and pay my damn bills. Maybe I’m not a great spiritual leader after all. Maybe I’m a shitty writer. Maybe it’s all been bullshit. Delusions of grandeur.
But truthfully, I don’t believe that. I think I am different, otherwise I wouldn’t feel the need to fight the mundane so much. I’m smart. Damn smart. I could do anything. I could work any job in corporate America and by just investing a mere 100% of myself I could be hugely successful. I mean it. I know I could do it. Any yet, I really, really don’t want to. In fact, I don’t ever want to work another 9 to 5 job again in my life. And believe me, this isn’t about me being lazy. I am not lazy when it comes to this type of thing – dishes, maybe, but not this.
In college, I graduated with a 4.0 g.p.a. That’s straight A’s folks, and I’m not above bragging about it. Once in the bathroom at my college a classmate stopped me after a big report had been graded and returned. “You’re so lucky,” she said, “you always get A’s.” My response was immediate and sure. “Luck has nothing to do with it,” I said, “I work damn hard.” And I did. College was easy. I mean, the teachers told you exactly what they wanted and all you had to do was give it to them. The real world is nowhere near so cut and dry.
After I graduated from college, my girlfriend Erin and I met one of our college professors for drinks. We told her all about our big corporate jobs and how crazy it was, and how different from college. She looked at us both and said, with all honesty, “I don’t know how you go out into the world like that, it just sounds terrifying. I’ve been on a college campus all my life and I can’t image doing what your doing. All I have to do is teach it.”
The truth was, I was terrified. But I was also exhilarated. I was a big girl now, and I had to do big girl things, like go to work in a suit and high heels. But oh, how I hated it. How I longed for those comfortable afternoons on campus, lounging around with my classmates and instructors, tackling the challenging rhetoric and philosophy of the day in tattered blue jeans and not a care in the world. We were all broke, teachers and students alike, so we never worried much about money. Instead, we exchanged ideas. We flirted with academia like a lover that we knew would eventually leave us, and yet our passion was never tempered. We flew headlong into our college days, as if their temporary nature was all the more reason to celebrate them, much like our youth.
The day I started my first job, I cried. I cried because I felt like a round peg being shoved in a square hole. Like my panty girdle, it just didn’t fit right. I knew I could wear it awhile and it would look damn good, but eventually it would begin to cut off my circulation and I’d either throw it off, or suffocate. Seven years later, I had several near death experiences due to suffocation. I think it’s time to lose the girdle.
